What Hurts The Most
by Karin Serendipity
Summary: ShikaTema. Songfic. Temari's gone, or is she?


What Hurts the Most

Most likely my best piece of work!

Enjoy

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the song 'What Hurts the Most' by Cascada. In my dreams I do…

Dedicated to- Megami. Ze. The author my favorite story, Remembrance.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house.

That don't bother me…

I looked out at the rain. All scheduled events were cancelled. "You're beautiful, amazing, ready." A voice told me. It was my imagination-it wasn't really him. Damn active imagination. "Troublesome." The voice murmured.

"Everything's troublesome. Can I jump out the window?" I asked smirking the slightest.

"Don't do it." He warned. I sighed sitting down. I wish that he would let me do it. He stared at me. I was tired and he was hard to argue with tonight.

"Why?" I asked not wanting his voice to go away. He was looking at me like I was crazy.

"Because you're spunky, beautiful, sexy, smart, and you're mine." He whispered wrapping his arms around my waist.

I turned at my waist, so I could kiss him, but he disappeared at my touch.

I can take a few tears

Now and then

And just let 'em out…

I fell to the floor, the tears pouring. "Now who's the crybaby?" He said mockingly. I ignored him and curled into a ball. I muttered random prayers. "Jeez, Mari. Did someone die?"

The sobs broke through racking my body. I knew the tears would keep coming. I felt him rubbing my back comforting me. Did he really think he was alive? I reached out to grab his hand, but he was gone again.

The tears ran and ran. I thought I'd never stop. I finally got up silent tears streaming.

I'm not afraid to cry

Every once in awhile

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me…

"Temari, Get up." Kankuro yelled pounding on the door. "Don't make me break the door open!"

My face was stained with tears and my eyes were bloodshot. I opened the door. "Oh. Temari!" Kankuro gasped hugging me. I willingly hugged him back.

"Honestly, Mari-who died?" He asked as Kankuro walked away. I smiled faintly.

"No one." I said barely audible. My smile was replaced by a frown. I felt the tears and let some flow. I grabbed at his vest and pushed him into my room.

"Mari, why are you so sad?" He asked sitting on my bed. I crawled onto his lap. I cuddled up against him letting the tears flow. I reached for his hand and once again he disappeared.

I wiped my eyes furiously and walked downstairs.

There are days every now and again

I pretend I'm okay but

That's not what gets me

Gaara carefully examined me, from my messy hair to my bloodstained clothing. I forced a smile as I sat down. Nobody fell for it. Ino held Kankuro's hand. They got to be happy-in-love. She gets to touch him and hold him. They get to get married and have miniature thems.

"Why do you look so depressed? She's not harassing you anymore. She's finally happy." Shikamaru said standing behind me.

"I know." I muttered getting several curious glances. Ino's was most prying. I looked back and saw he was gone again. I put my head on the table and broke down once again. I felt someone stroking my hair and was surprised to find Ino comforting me. My sobs came faster and faster with ragged breathes. I felt a hand cup my cheek.

"Mari, I'd really like an explanation." He whispered obsidian into teal. Our eyes were locked, although, his didn't move with life. "You're so beautiful. It kills me."

Those last words made me cry harder. The tears stained the wooden table. Shikamaru shook his head. I was letting out everything that I had kept bottled up. I closed my eyes and willed him to still be there. I opened my eyes slowly and he was,

Gone.

"Temari, breathe!" Ino yelled. I realized that I had been holding my breathe trying not to cry. I quickly took another breath.

"Kankuro, Ino take her to her room. We have guests coming over." Gaara said standing up. I felt Kankuro pick me up as Ino cradled my hand in hers. Kankuro laid me in my bed and I immediately curled into a ball.

What hurts the most

Was being so close and

Having so much to say

He was there with me, but I didn't turn over towards him. I pretended that he wasn't there. It didn't hurt so much. "Mari, I just want to say, I lov-."

He never got to finish that. He always would say it halfway-crushing me even more.

Watching you walk away

Never knowing

What could've been

The day he died was August 12th, my twenty-fourth birthday. I didn't cry until Tsunade had come out of the hospital and presumed him dead. His last request was only half said; "Tell Mari, I lov-." That's what Tsunade said.

I broke down at his funereal. I made a show of myself, after the priest had said why we were there. The day he died, he had walked away from me. I had yelled at him calling him a lazy ass and saying I never wanted to see him again. He walked into his death. I had walked away from our future.

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do…

I hurt; his death had cut me deeper than anyone else's. I was still crying just as hard a week after his death. I didn't want him to die. I wanted him to always stay alive. He was the one person I cared about, only if he knew. His grave read:

Nara Shikamaru

xxxx-xxxx

D.I.A.

"You have

Taken my

Heart with

You."

I had paid a pretty penny for the last line, but the 3rd line reading D.I.A or died in action was false, sure he was on a mission. After he walked away rogue ninja had injured him severely, he hadn't fought back-well he had but with little enthusiasm, and it was my entire fault.

I finally faced him in bed. He smiled sadly as he wiped away a tear. I smiled back. He kissed me gently and I kissed him back. We broke off fast breathing heavily. "Mari… I lov-."

This time I stopped him by kissing him again immediately giving him entrance. He enjoyed that and after an eternity, we broke off taking heavy breathes, in… out… in… out. "How was that?"

"Unbelievable." He muttered. I buried my head in his chest drifting off to sleep when I woke up; I looked up ready for my morning kiss.

But he wasn't there… He was dead and my mind was playing tricks on me.

It's hard to deal with the pain

Of losing you everywhere I go

But I'm doing it

I was afraid of and anticipating death. I had questions that would only be answered once I passed into the next world. The biggest one was; "Would I be joined with Shikamaru again?" I prayed the answer to be yes, I willed it.

"Shikamaru Nara, I love you. So much." I said aloud. I was preparing to take a shower. I just wanted to let it out. "I knew you love me and I wish you were here to love me." He was standing behind me. His hands were on my shoulders. This was the part were he'd take control of me and it would go downhill. But my tears and words had stopped him.

"I love you, too. I just want you to be happy and I'm here to love you-always." He said. This surprised me. "You think I'M dead."

"…" (A/N-Speechlessness has taken over!)

"Isn't enough proof that I'm standing right here!?" He yelled. I stared at him open-mouthed. I reached for him I placed my head on his chest, I heard a faint heartbeat. That sent shivers down my spine.

I grabbed his hands and put my lips on his, I opened my eyes to find him… gone.

Again.

(A/N-Spacing is dramatic.)

(A/N-The A/N ruined the dramatic moment.)

I got in the shower turning the knob to the highest degree. "I'm dreaming-always! Why can't he leave me alone?' I yelled. I got out clean then dressed swiftly.

It's hard to force that smile

When I see our friends and I'm alone

The guests were the Konoha allies: Tenten, Neji, Lee, Sakura, Ino, Sasuke, Choji, empty seat, empty seat, Gaara, Kankuro. I sat down and leaned against the wall like we used to do. We would pretend to listen as we whispered or spoke with our eyes.

"Temari! Long time, no see!" Tenten yelled. Another forced smile. I held back tears the empty seat was his and we never listened, never.

Nobody better dare call me Mari. I'd break. "Mari, how are you doing?" Sakura asked quietly. Mari was his nickname for me. I smiled sadly, the tears had fallen and everyone stared.

"I'm heartbroken, miserable, ready to hurl myself through the window," I turned to where he now sat, "Don't even say something. I think that you could shoot me and I wouldn't feel anything."

"Mari, you should let your feelings out, don't keep them bottled up." He told me leaning back. Gaara stood.

"To your room, unless you're good." He said I nodded sitting back down. I started to listen.

"Okay, tomorrow is the 1 month anniversary of his death. Who's giving the third speech?" Gaara asked.

"Ino is starting, I'm the second." Choji said.

"I'll do it. Research his life." Sakura started.

"Wouldn't it be better for someone that knew his feelings and his life, to do the speech?" Ino asked.

"Don't!"

"NO…"

"Nice going."

"I'll do it." I said. "I know him better than anyone in this room.

"True."

"So true."

"She'll make a show."

"More visitors…"

"More money…"

"Shut up! I loved that man! With all my heart! I miss him to death! I want people to remember him! So I want to say a few words on his behalf!"

"So corny."

"Fuck you."

"That was rude."

"That was sincere."

"You're in." Gaara said. I jumped up tears spilling over and hugged Gaara.

"I love you." I whispered running up the stairs afterward.

Still harder

Getting up

Getting dressed

Living with this regret

Today, it wasn't raining, the clouds were floating along. "It's beautiful." The deep blue of the sky today.

"Like your eyes." He told me. I knew that his voice was my sanctuary. It couldn't go away.

"Guess what?" I said.

"What?"

"I'll sing for you." I told him.

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade

Give away

All the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

"So beautiful and talented." He cooed. I smiled. I dressed in a black kimono with a sky blue obi and olive green under robes and wraps. "You're clashing."

"Call it." I commanded.

"Black for death, blue for the sky, green for the forest…"

"Gold for royalty and white for hope." I said putting one glove on and a tiara.

"Clashing-."

"For you."

"But."

"Shika," I placed my hands on his chest, "honey, you're dead. But I don't want you to leave. I want to keep seeing you."

"Mari… I know. I love you." He said waltzing me to my bed. He pinned me down allowing no escape.

"No more disappearing." I pleaded. Was I actually seeing life in his eyes? I kissed him drawing out whines of enjoyment. "I need to go." I told him after a couple minutes.

What hurts the most

Was being so close and

Having so much to say

Watching you walk away.

Ino stood up on the stage in a black kimono that was beaded. "Shikamaru Nara was part of Team 10; he was my friend and comrade. Since children we were friends, at the academy he never did his work, although he was a genius. He had a tendency to skip class and hang out around his 'friends' Kiba, Naruto, and Choji. Speaking of Choji… Here he is!"

Applause.

"So. Shikamaru was my best friend-once a genin he always helped on missions, once he even saved me. He was brilliant but nothing come alive in him until… He became a chunin; he also became guide to Temari. The sand princess. The person that egged him on. Mmmm… Eggs. So, here's Temari."

Silence.

"I'm not here to support my village or our bond-I'm up here because the love of my life has passed away. Although I sense his presence I understand he's dead. Shikamaru Nara became my guide and spent countless 'troublesome' hours by my side. Somehow or other we fell in-love. I wish you guys would understand how little our feelings were expressed. Our eyes said everything for us but still some things could've been said…" I now began crying but I held together. "I loved him unlike anyone loves anyone else. If he told me to die I knew I would for him. Some people thought he was lazy… Worthless. No, he was greater. He had saved this village and our lives many times. One mission was to great a pressure on us both. He had walked towards his death and I had walked the other way, once he screamed I doubled back. The enemies were dead in a matter of seconds. All that mattered in the whole world was to get him home safe. I claimed that I never cried that day and I did not lie. I picked him up and I took every step for him. He stayed in sub consciousness telling someone how much he loved me. He only prayed I was safe. Even as he died, blood splattered everywhere and coughs threatening to cave him in, even with stab wounds, he prayed for my safety. He finally told the person he was in-love with me. I got him to Tsunade sti-ll alive. He w-as st-st-ill muttering th-ings. After two hours, Tsunade proclaimed him dead. Now that I depressed everybody, I hoped you enjoyed that, thanks for letting me speak."

People applauded, it was loud. I saw him right there in the audience making his way towards me.

Never knowing what could've been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do.

I woke up the sunlight streaming in through the blinds.

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

Watching you walk away

Never knowing what could've been

I moved slowly, stiff-from what? The bed felt fuller, more enclosed.

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Oh….

"Temari, jeez, could you've woke up any earlier I mean 5am?"

"Shikamaru?" I sat up. He was next to me.

"That mission must've messed with your head. I'm out of the hospital better. See? Why do you always have nightmares?" He asked, there was life in his eyes.

"Shikamaru!!" I kissed him and looked deeply into his eyes. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Mari." He said kissing me again.

I'm not afraid to cry every once in awhile

Even though going on with you gone

Still upsets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

Watching you walk away

Never knowing what could've been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

The End-So… speechless right? You can think of something to say!

Review! Please-oh-please-oh-please review!

I love you guys!


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